A new start

Sometimes life changes leave me feeling a bit schizophrenic. Coming down here to Missouri for grad school was a fulfillment of my dream of pursuing philosophy, but I had to leave Frank behind to do it. It's hard to loose a boyfriend and a best friend at once. I understand that we need to date other people, or we'll never be certain if we have the "right person," but emotional ties are hard to sever.

The excitment of meeting new people and having wonderful new adventures is counterbalanced by pining for what used to be. The rush of learning new dance steps and dancing with new partners is pitted against the regret of loosing a wonderful dance partner. Then with classes, the freshness and excitiment of learning new material in a field I love is offset by my fear that I will not learn quickly enough or be competent enough to survive the program.

It's times like these where I'm so glad God is there to lead me through the mental confusion and show me which course my life is meant to take.

My new apartment!

Upon arrival, (having driven through the night) my mom and I scoped out the apartment and immediately began shopping for furniture. We didn't sleep until that night. In the space of three days, we had my apartment fully furnished, and feeling quite like home. Here are some pictures.

The trip to Missouri

At the beginning of August, mom and I packed up the car and headed west to pick up the things I left at the school in Elgin. We stayed at Frank's for the weekend, which involved much dancing, cutesy noises, and bouncing around with a huge smile on my face. Every time Frank and I see each other, it gets harder to say goodbye, but I guess that's just how things go in life. After a very happy two days, mom and I drove down to Missouri where I am now going to graduate school.

Earlier this summer

Back in the end of June I flew out to visit Frank for a week. We had a wonderful time dancing, visiting the Chicago Botanic Garden, going roller skating with Sarah, going mini-golfing with Mike, and generally hanging out. (First photo at the mini-golf place, second at Dance World in Hoffman Estates).

The summer at home

I had a wonderful summer at home with my family, and got in plenty of quality time with them (and the cats, which were oh so fun to play with). I particularly enjoyed hanging out with Michelle. We talked, watched movies together, made fun of anything and everything, and read Harry Potter together. I also got Michelle all dolled up for her senior photos (I'll post a picture of one when I can), and dressed up as Harry Potter characters the night before the book came out. We also dressed up to go to the movie. We even did some useful work - I helped Michelle sort through university options and start planning for college. (In the photos: Michelle as a Hogwarts student, and me as Professor Treelawny, the divination teacher)

The Competition Continued

Here are some pictures from the smooth dances (waltz, foxtrot, and tango) as well as a picture from the end with our ribbons and family. I will add more photos as I get them.

Practicing the nigt before

The Competition

I promised I would post the results of the dance competition with pictures, but Frank's dad and my mom (who flew out from Delaware to see the comp.) took videos rather than still shots, so that makes sharing action footage problematic. However, we did manage to get a few photos, and we'll try to capture more from the videos.

Our first dance was at 8am on Saturday, which meant getting up at 5:30am to prepare (makeup, hair, costume). My grandma flew in from California the day before and stayed at the hotel were the comeptition took place. My mom arrived just as we started the cha-cha. It was nerve-wracking to be out on the floor in front of the judges, but it also gave me a bit of a rush. It helped that all the couples in each category go out on the floor at once.

The first photos are from the rythm dances, in which we performed cha-cha, rumba, and swing. In the newcomer category, we placed 3rd out of 8. In the bronze category we survived one elimination round (down to 20 from 34) but didn't make it after that.


Here we are back at Frank's place after the Saturday competition with our medals.





I will add info on the Sunday competition (the smooth dances) when I have photos to go with it.

Washington D.C.

I'm currently on spring break at home in Delaware, and I brought Jin back from the school I'm working at with me. She is working/learning English at the school this year, and didn't have anyone to stay with over break as her family all lives in Korea. Last Saturday, Jin, my mom, and I all went to Washington D.C. First, we all went to check out the Smithsonian museum of natural history.

Mom stayed the rest of the time in the museums, and Jin and I went to see the Washington Monument, the White House, the Lincoln Memorial and reflecting pool, and the beautiful cherry blossoms. It was a bit tiring, but a very worthwhile trip.

Dancing the Night Away

Frank and I have been practicing dancing quite a bit lately in preparation for our May 20th ballroom dancing competition. Last Saturday, we went to Magnum's Steakhouse (where we met, and where Frank first asked me out a few months later) for a fancy dinner and dancing. It was nice to re-live those times - very romantic. :-)

The dinner The Tango

The Hustle cuddle

The Hustle open

The Hustle dip

The Rumba dip

Valentines Pictures

As promised, here are my pictures from Valentine's Day. As part of my present for Frank, I fixed him a surprise fancy dinner (complete with home-made pasta, sparkling cider, and chocolate cherry cake) and got all dressed up.

The setup

The cleanup

Updates

It's been too long since I have posted, I know. Quite a bit has transpired, and I am not as good at supplying pictures for it as I once was. I do have pictures from Valentine's Day, which was quite fun, or at least, Frank has the pictures, and I will try to get them from him. :-) Frank and I are still dating for the time being, and we are hoping to do ballroom dancing competition in May. Once I finish this post, I will try to motivate my brownie and junk food-filled body off of the chair and into practicing dancing.

In terms of the future, I have been accepted into two different graduate programs, a masters program in Philosophy at NIU, and a doctoral program at U of Missouri at Columbia. I am still waiting to hear back from two other programs. It looks at this point like Frank and I will take a break from dating while I am away at school. I really don't know what the future holds in terms of our relationship, but I think I am finally nearing the point where I am willing to let God unfold that. What I do need to do is to spend more time in prayer and more time really and truly listening to God's guidance.

Gilmore girls and not getting over it

I've discovered that 2 1/2 seasons straight of Gilmore Girls (don't ask how many hours that means I spent in front of the dvd player), combined with excess spare time, too much food, and difficult discussions with Frank, led to me having a difficult time keeping moodiness at bay. At least I can blame mom and Michelle for getting me hooked on Gilmore Girls. :-) Since I have noticed my tendency to begin to emulate characters (and people) I spend a lot of time around, perhaps I should watch a series with more emotionally stable characters. At least I know better than to watch movies with axe murderers in them. ;-)

Applications

If it seems like I've dropped off the end of the earth, never to be seen again, I have. I'm currently dwelling in the limbo of grad-school application madness. I am consumed by my application essay (which I must create 11 different drafts of - one for each school). It is supposed to be a statement of purpose describing why I want to study philosophy, what preparation I have had for this (none), why I want to study at each specific school, and perhaps what I intend to do with my degree. Trying to write it is unpleasant, but at least it did spawn this much more true-to-me and quite accurate account, which I will not send to a single place I am applying. This is for those of you who want to know the real reason I'm applying to graduate schools in philosophy:

I plaster myself to windows in the winter when it snows, transfixed by the falling lightness. A snowflake weighs .000001 gram. But they can fall by the millions, and they do. It takes time, though - the slow and steady buildup of lightness that lends itself to heaviness when taken as a whole. Time is the master-builder.

In time, snow seeps into the gritty winter earth, providing groundwater for spring. The bursting forth of spring has its foundation in the winter's steady snow.

I see in snowflakes the pattern of my thoughts. I pride myself on my rationality and my painstaking analysis of life, events, and relationships - it is my source of sanity. But there are times when certainty wells up slowly from within me, rather than being motivated by a single external stimulus or event. Thoughts, feelings, and desires fall into place like snowflakes, and gather themselves into a purpose.

The philosophy of religion class I took in my junior year of college revolutionized my view of schoolwork. I couldn't get back to my dorm room fast enough to plunge into the works of great thinkers, pick them apart, shove the pieces under the microscope, and then write about what I saw. Never did I gain such pleasure from my science labs. No other subject so incited me to initiate riotous dinner conversations with my friends. But, it was spring of my junior year, and changing majors then would have resulted in an undergraduate career of more than four years. My pride would not allow that, and neither would my scholarship. So I dropped the idea of pursuing philosophy. Not enough snow had fallen.

My senior year, I filled an open slot in my schedule with an introduction to philosophy course - to get an overview. I figured it couldn't hurt. More snow fell.

The deepest snowfall has been in my previous year teaching environmental education to 3-5 year olds. Any mother knows that the moments of greatest clarity and decision in life often come when faced with small screaming children. All levity aside, my desire to pursue a graduate degree in philosophy is deeply tied to my drive to teach.

A true teacher does not inundate students with facts, figures, theories and formulas. Rather, she aides in opening the mind, equipping the student with tools to make sense of his/her world and experience - the tools that allow him/her to solve problems and arrive at inventive solutions. The most important skills a student can develop are the capacity for reason and the ability to communicate effectively.

Philosophy focuses on just these skills. It provides a synthesis of all of the seemingly fragmented disciplines, because it gets to the heart of the question - mankind's struggle to understand the world. By teaching philosophy, I would enable students to further develop their capacity to question deeply, analyze thoroughly, spot flaws in arguments, and write in a decisive, lucid, and convincing manner.

Scheming Standardized Test-Making Nazis and Evil Capitalistic Programmer Pigs Convene

Thus making my life miserable. ETS charges you $15 for each school you want to send your GRE scores to. I'm applying to 11 places. It stinks. Also today, my hotmail account decided to randomly delete my messages from the last 3 months, many of which were important, leaving intact all of the useless mail that has been sitting in my box for years (literally).

Cake and Costumes

October is always a fun time for me. I can't argue with a month that has both my birthday and Halloween in it. For my birthday, we went to Bennigans, went out dancing, and had a celebration with Frank's dad and Annett. Frank bought me the first birthday cake I've had in almost five years, which was sweet of him. It also had roses on it and was yummy. Can't ask for more than that. :-)

For Halloween, I wanted to dress up and go to costume dances. Fortunately, Frank was willing to oblige and chose Zorro and "his girl" from the list of potential costume options I had made up. Frank looked great, and I loved the way he used his cape as a prop while dancing. We both had fun getting into character. I half expected that we would inadvertently cause some poor older lady or gentleman to have a heart attack with the way we were dancing, but no-one keeled over. They actually complimented us. Never underestimate an 89-year-old who can dance the tango.

General Updates

I'm publishing many entries all at once to make up for my general lack of records (not that anyone's reading anyhow ;-)) So, the news - I'm applying to 11 different graduate programs in philosophy. 9 are masters programs with 2 doctoral programs as my long shots. I took the GRE and I'm working on the applications. I'm still working at the private school near Chicago, which is going well. Another ongoing thing is that Frank and I are hoping to enter a ballroom dancing competition in May.

London

Bridge is not falling down. Fortunately. Especially since we drove on it. England is definitely one of the places I would like to re-visit.

The traffic was crazy and I would prefer to explore it by foot, but it was wonderful of Nana to take us around in her van. Nana was an exchange student (from Japan) we had when I was in first grade who now lives in London. She is now a mother and her husband Chris was kind enough to watch the little one while she showed us around for two days. We went saw many of the traditional sights - Big Ben, the bridge, the parliament building, and also went to see Anthony and Cleopatra at the Globe theatre. Michelle and I got standing room tickets and were so close we could lean on the stage. When the servant committed suicide in the play, we go splashed with blood. It was exciting, and well worth standing for 3 hours. Mom, Michelle, and I stayed at a hotel that was really more like a backpackers - totally bare-bones furnishing and no phone in the room. Still, it was worth it.


We went to Stratford Upon Avon to see Shakespear's birthplace, which was also neat. They charged an excessively unreasonable amount to go inside the house, so we just looked from the outside. It seemed too touristy of an idea to me, but Mom and Michelle wanted to check out the gift shop, so I went in too. I got a collection of sayings/poems on love by Shakespear, but the item I found most amusing was an eraser with the saying "Out, out, damn spot" on it. Gotta love McBeth.


We also went to visit Warwick castle, which was over-the-top touristy, but had some interesting exhibits and shows, and the jousting was fun to watch. I can never complain about watching knights ride around on beautiful horses.

Gibraltar

It is embarrassing how long it is taking me to finish this trip record. I need to be better about this. Sigh.

Anyhow, our last stop was Gibraltar, and the most fascinating parts to me were the monkeys and the view of Africa (Morocco, to be exact). Gibraltar has been strategically important in a military sense because of its location at the mouth of the Mediterranean, so it has an interesting history, which I have largely forgotten. It probably would have bored most of you anyway. To put it shortly, it has been occupied by many different cultures/countries over the years. It was the Moors (Arabs) who brought the monkeys over.

It was awesome to see Africa, it made me want to go there. I think I'm most interested in the Middle-eastern countries because the culture and the history fascinates me. It doesn't seem like the best area to visit right now, though. Maybe some day that will change.

So, about the monkeys. They are technically "wild," in that they don't belong to anyone, but they are incredibly tame around people. Why? Because tourists feed them. And if you don't feed them, they take your food. I watched them steal a candy bar from a teenage boy who ignored our tour guides warning not to carry anything in a plastic bag that rustled (the monkeys tore it out of his hands). My cousins saw a monkey climb up a little girl, grab her ice cream cone, and run off with it. Talk about taking any means to get your sugar fix.

Rome

This excursion in Italy was one of my favorites. We saw the coliseum, passed the roman forum, and went to see the Vatican and its museum. It was awesome to see the coliseum after having read about it in history books for so many years. When you just read about a place, its hard to imagine it actually existing - it starts to seem almost imaginary. To see the actual place makes you start to see on a deeper level that the people who lived there thousands of years ago were real people with the same problems, hopes, ambitions, and fears as people today. Their lives were just as tangible and just as important as ours today. They went to the market, went to see shows, ate dinner with their families, paid taxes, etc. I must admit though, their idea of entertainment is a bit gruesome to me.



In visiting the Vatican, it struck me how meaningful that particular place is to so many thousands of people. Although I'm not Catholic, Frank is, so I tried to see it as he would for him. I've always been interested by religion in general. Devoted individuals of any faith fascinate me. I want to know where their conviction comes from, how they keep it alive, and how they find the unselfishness to live their lives in devotion to a higher power.

France

In France, we decided to skip out on the excursions and relax on the beach of Cannes. It was nice to hang out with the extended family, do a little shopping, and bask in the sun. Cannes is a resort town, so it didn't interest me that much for any historical reason, and I didn't mind skipping the opportunity to learn more about it. Sometimes family has to come first. :-)


My cousin Meagan and Bear (with the ship in the background)


Bear and I at a park in Cannes